Stupidity at its finest

When will I ever learn? The answer to that is probably never.

I stalked his ex again and came to a really intense post about her being unfair because she wasn't willing to give him another chance. About not letting people in and building walls to those closest to you.

What does this mean? Is this why he has been so distant to me?

Because he had come to the realisation that I'm not everything I turn out to be? That I'm an embarrassing disappointment that he cannot bare to be around? And that going back to his ex was a better option than being with me.

There is so much I can lie to myself about, and lying about how this does not hurt me is a fucking joke. I don't need this now. I don't need this ever.

If you're sick of me, let me know.

I let you in, only for you to destroy what little confidence I had in myself. Thinking that you actually had an interest in me, only for me to find out that I was not enough. And most likely never will be.

Once these exams are done, I need clarification in order to move on. I need a reason as to why you would use me like so, a reason to hate you.

Actually, I don't think I could hate you. Just resent the ideas you put in my head.

Ideas that I was actually worth something.

Turmoil

I had difficulties falling asleep last night and awoke to the thunderstorm brewing outside. Once I was able to form conscious thoughts, everything that i discovered from the night before came flooding through my mind.

As I lay there at 5am, I could feel my stomach churn and my chest tighten. What am I to him?

Procrastination will be the death of me, I have not done an ounce of study and the Maths exam is slowly creeping closer and closer. I sit on facebook with his tab open, staring at the little green circle. Wondering if he would ever initiate the conversation other than when he wants something of me.

Of course not.
I'm noone important, just another girl he'll forget sooner or later.

Every fibre of my being is telling me to talk to him or get out as fast as I can. But how can I?
The feeling that dwells deep within me, compels me to him. Telling me I should ignore everything and continue on like nothing has happened.

But clearly thats stupid. I'm getting too emotionally attached.
I guess we'll have to see once exams are over.

Will I have the willpower to end things if I don't like his answer to my questions? There is a part of me that is afraid that I will not be able to go through with it.