Never have I been so nervous and hesitant in telling someone I am not interested in them.

Jem has been so nice to me. To someone who is not deserving of such displays of affection.

I am to rip his heart out tomorrow.

How do I face him, how do I face myself.

I don't want to give him the wrong idea and lead him on, but this is the only way to do it.

Man up, Jade.

You have to tell him straight.

For someone who said they wouldn't get attached or hurt, I surely went down the wrong path.

Sure, I don't feel attachments to the guys I have been seeing lately. Though Jem does appear more interested in me than I am in him.

He has gone through too much for me to let him down. I dont want to hurt his feelings.

But if I dont feel the same way, its not fair to let this linger. I do like hanging out and talking to him, but he is just not quite for me.

I am now at the age where I have to look at things long term. I want to settle down sometime within the next 5 years.

But I know you are making amends to your previous mistakes, but I can't be with someone who is starting their first year of uni. I need someone who shows me that they are able to be dependent and work towards something.

Maybe in about 10 years time you'll get there, but I need someone for now. Someone more developed and more mature.

I'm so sorry.

I tend to forget how the later generations have slowly become more and more reliant on technology.

One of the new girls that we had to train at work today continually tried to touch the POS screen as if the entire thing were touch screen.

She is another dopey in the making.

Forgot her employee number. Forgot her sign in to the POS. Forgot her password.

I'm surprised she has not lost herself in the process.

Nor have I seen someone so young wear so much makeup.

I can see that there will be very slow progress with this one, they're all too cocky. Thinking lightly of the job at hand.

I do not tolerate stupidity, but there is so much I can overlook.

I will overlook today as you are new. Though she best not underestimate me.

I now understand how easy it is for you to forget someone. Forget to reply to their once urgent messages, forget the feeling of butterflies when their name would pop up somewhere. Forget how much they once meant to you.

I no longer feel any pain or the creeping anxiety of an unread message. I guess this means I have finally moved on.

I never realised how simple and pain free it is to ignore someone when you're no longer interested in them.

It's like the thought has simply escaped your mind, and by the time you notice...a significant period of time has passed and you realise that both parties no longer care about each other.

Everything always finds a way to escape your grasp, and most of the time you can never do anything about it.

It has come down to this. I am not interesting or pretty enough to keep anyone around for long periods of time.

The moment I think I have done well for myself, they leave. In this case, they're moving to Ballarat.

I honestly thought as time went on, something would come of this. But i guess all guys are the same. They all seem to have one thought on their minds.

But from the beginning, I told myself not to get too attached and I have done just so. Did this benefit or help me in any way?

I'm not sure.

All I know is that there is no pain behind this goodbye. No real regrets. And definitely no tears.

Here lies a list of things  I have learnt at work today 

• God forbid you ask an elderly customer if they will manage in carrying a heavy bag - "If you can't carry it then don't put it in the bag."
• "I only have two hands" - so do I. And apparently customers do NOT appreciate it when you used their line on them 
• "You have to make sure to listen to whether I say yes or no" - So the fact that you never even answered the question I asked has now retaliated back to me being at fault 

Retail is shit and customers are dumb. I will gladly take an office job where I will never have to associate with the society around me.

I thought that this time round, things would be done on my terms. I guess I was wrong.

Again.

Some part of me thought that trying to be part of a casual relationship would be easy. 

Sex whenever I wanted. And the slight attention of the other party.

But I guess only partial attention is not enough for me. I crave more. 

But why. 

I came into this, well aware of the situation and the consequences. I knew the facts. I knew that nothing would come out of this. 

But a week later and already the messages have stopped. 

He was right when he said that todays generation is too reliant on technology. Increasing stress of when someone will reply to your message.

I guess I wasn't expecting him to not only appeal to me visually, but also intellectually. 

How do I continue this in a way that we both benefit?

Why do we have dreams?

I wake up feeling disorientated, don't they feel so real?

I had a dream that Ken was making out with Kim Vo (someone I haven't seen since primary school) showed a lot of PDA out in public and yet she was also friends with Zoe. So this makes no sense what so ever. 

I know I felt a pang of anger and jealousy whilst we asked her what was going on. She has apparently discussed the situation of 'what are we?' with him and he avoided the question and instead asked her what the rush was. 

Turns out she had her first time with him. 

All I know is I woke up not wanting to talk to him. Replying to his message and continuing the conversation was no longer a priority.

I don't understand guys at all. Let alone him.

He knows well enough that we are just friends, but when he messages me and I reply... but then the replies get more vague and vague. 

It's like he no longer wants to talk to me. Honestly I've just stopped replying, as the conversation starts to get boring I take a hint and continue on with life.

Though it doesn't keep me from wondering what lies in the future for me.

Valentines days comes and goes like it does every year. This time I spent the day working from 10 - 23. Life is great, but then I wonder what it would be like to receive flowers, to have someone buy me a $500 bracelet, or even just take me out to dinner.

LOL.